THE KNIFE MAN

Call it UI, UniIbadan, University of Ibadan, The University of Ibadan, whatever. Recent events have shown that even the most prestigious of us can bite off more than we can chew. This session more students were admitted than usually. Consequences? We are now a practical experiment of the Darwin’s law – Survival of the fittest. First the fight for available lecturers to hand out recommendation letter, then the fight for accommodation spots, then the BQ hustle, then the resigned i-don’t-wanna-be-homeless hustle for Agbowo accommodation, and finally the not-so-noble fight for squatting spots. But, I digress. Forgive me. Today’s tori is about The Knife man.

Few minutes to 5am on this faithful Sunday morning promising to be nothing but eventful, an ill-fated knock aroused Lisa (not real name please, stop searching possible names in BOL). She wondered drowsily who that could be before she remembered her roommate, who for sake of ‘solely’ this article we will name die-by-fire, went for a vigil. Ah and yes Lisa and die-by-fire stay in a BQ, we leave speculation to y’all as to whether it was by choice or Darwinian science.

“Die-by-fire, is that you?”

“Yes” replied a masculine voice.

“Fall-down-and-die, is that you?” Fall-down-and-die is a friend of die-by-fire who comes around to visit often.

“Yes” the voice answered again

And so Lisa opens the door. Some of our readers with minds like Sherlock would detect something fishy here, “yes” for two different names from the same voice? We recall Lisa just woke up from sleep and the only male she imagine could be at the door at this not-so-godly-hour is the godly fall-down-and-die. Let’s not be our parents and argue security consciousness and say she could have asked fall-down-and-die to call out his number just to confirm it was him.

    

Lisa opened the door and lights like the one that shone in Damascus on Paul fall on her face and brightened the room which was pitch black. The light served mostly to blind beautiful black-eyed Lisa. It has always been an habit of Lisa’s to switch off the light when she was going to bed.

"Where is 'die by fire'? That's her charger...Stop flashing your torch light on my face" Lisa said                                                                                                                                        

 “Where is your laptop, wallet and phone?” came the reply.

At this point, the smart asses start to point out voice recognition. But read on, while they argue that with the nearest person please.

“Stop joking jare!” replied Lisa not realising the gravity of the situation.

“Where is your laptop, phone and wallet?” came the voice again.

Irked by the Damascus lights, she slaps his hand to one side and the light briefly shows her visitor’s features. An average-heighted guy in shorts and a tee-shirt stood in front of her.

At this juncture, I digress to answer two questions.

Yes, it wasn’t fall-down-and-die.

Yes, smart asses, at this point her brain registers the voice was never fall-down-and-die’s own.

Shall we proceed?

Lisa races a couple steps backward trying to process what was going on. It was then that she saw it gleaming in the light, silver as the moon in a dark, dark night. The knife blade she saw transformed her confusion into terror and she started screaming like a banshee.

“HELP!!” “SOMEBODY HELP!”

 She screamed hitting the high notes better than Sia could ever do till her voice started screeching.

It was all to no avail in the end. Not even her next door neighbours (only one was around) a.k.a Bahd Guys.

No, they are not on Falz label. Please stop interrupting me in your head.

Bahd guy was in 7^th heaven while homegirl was in 7^th hell. To further help you imagine the gulf in their situations that 5am morning and to help you follow our metaphor, we reveal that Bahd guy had just installed an air conditioning unit. Not even the trumpets of rapture could wake him up, nor could the book of life make him leave that bed.

And with that he thrust his knife forward and euthanasia descended on the room as her screams died off for a grave yard silence to be born. Her heartbeat was the only herald of the birth. That wicked producer, Young John? He couldn’t compete with her heart that morning. Her roommate die-by-fire would have said “Ahan. Somebody cannot play with you again” if she was there at that moment.

Realising his vantage position, he kept quiet and let fear dwarf below-average-height Lisa since average height doesn’t exactly dwarf below average height. What are Lisa’s options? Fight, Flight or Surrender. Fight? Lisa is below average height, slim. Suffice to say she’s small and unarmed and lacking self-defence training. TKM is not as small, armed and is not in current need of self-defence training. Flight? He’s at the door with a knife. She’s small but she’s not a pixie, fam. So, surrender? And she did gracefully.

“What do you want?” she asked, remembering her manners.

With an imagined smug smile on his face, he repeats “Laptop, phone, wallet”

She points to her table where the requested items are waiting to be collected like virgin honour above a white cloth on a wedding night.

Please don’t comment on that part in your head or aloud. No more jokes plix, this is not something like a joking stuvvs anymore at this point.

He carries his prize and scatters the bed for any ‘by-prizes” and leaves the room. Lisa is a pillar of salt caught in a paused video frame. As he leaves she races to the door and locks the door behind him, trying to assimilate what just happened she leaned on the door praying to wake up from this dream. Then she saw the light again this time through the window.

“What do you want?”

There came no reply this time. Her heart skipped a beat as though a punch line was to be dropped. We imagine insatiable desire flickered in his eyes as he shone the light about the room a last time before leaving finally. Lisa is left in a nightmare only half real to her as yet. And the gleaming knife? The robbery weapon? It was left behind outside on the floor. You ask why? A warning sign perhaps? A totem to help her accept the reality of it all? A cocky sign-off knowing the incompetence or perhaps non-existence of the security in the university and the country? It might further interest you to know that the knife was stolen from the previous street. Lisa was TKM’s second victim of the morning. The first – a Ronda Rousey – who after yelling for response and getting none decided not to go down without a fight and got stabbed with her own knife. A bloodied knife on the floor outside of the house devastated Lisa. The events of the morning replayed in her head, looped in her head.

The most painful thing was the sole copy of her IT report that was on her laptop. Hours put in gone to waste, sweat on her brow come to nought. All the lifting, copying and pasting, cutting, synchronizing. The most intriguing thing is that her phone which was hidden in between two beds was stolen. How could he have known where to find the phone?  So we ask, just like she and his other victims ask – Who is The Knife Man? Where are the stolen items? Will we continue to be tormented, one female victim after the other, despite growing complaints?

UI security response to the stolen items?  They search pedestrian bags for laptops and ask innocent people to input their passwords to prove their ownership. Is this a response or a pretence of one? Several incidents have been reported fitting the same MO (Mode of Operation). The knife man preys on the fragility of female students and this is a clue – he has to know which BQs are inhabited by females. Know that every event published as an article actually happened and a few jokes may be inserted but the message should be clear like words from a prophet. Safety is more important than anything in this trying times. Being your brother's keeper can't be over-emphasized or in this case your sister's keeper. Any information should be sent to the school security. Thanks for reading, see you same time next week Wednesday.