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The Tales of Our Ibadan Kim Kardashian

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We all admit that sex is a major factor in relationships these days, I mean if we’re being honest it really is a major factor between relationships that concern people of separate genders. And the prevalent question here is: How much of sex is enough? How much about sex did your parents teach you? What really is the going rate for sex these days? Is sex, overrated? If you say yes, we may revert to the statement if whether or not you’re doing it right.


Today’s story is about a sexcapade that is now all too famous and in case you haven’t heard or you are not “woke” enough, it’s about Opeyemi’s Sex tape. It’s safe to assume we all have sex or at least a vast of us are sexually active, or why else do you think there is an “Abstain from Sex” billboard in front of Idia. Now that that has been established, does the public really need to know about your sexual adventures?

Or is that Kim Kardashian has sort of become a role model to these girls, that they believe if they follow exactly in her shoes, they would be as famous? Or are they forgetting that the basis of Kim’s popularity was an attractive face and body?

Anyway, before we move to further analyze the details of the sextape, here’s a little backdrop story (this is purely out of our own imagination by the way). Ope met a boy, who was decently attractive, had his own place outside school, they agreed to meet up and have sex. And after several trysts, Ope consented to allowing the boy film their sex, and if you are beginning to ponder why she would agree to such a thing, it’s the same reason why people snap nude pictures, people love to watch themselves, people adore themselves.

Anyway, in the heat of the moment, while the guy’s rock hard member is plummeting through Ope’s vagina rapidly in a postion often associated to a dog, she agrees to show her face while letting her moans rent the air and then shortly after, the poorly recorded sextape ends.

There are so many questions befalling me and I hope you answer a few: Did she think this will make her popular? Or do girls just generally like sextapes? Did she forget that the SDC bells are chiming ever so loudly now? Or did she just want to make the next UI Critics top 10 casted hoes in UI?

What really is the going price for sex these days? One pack of Jay’s chicken and chips? And for the guys, would you look forward to having sex with Ope now that her tape is out?

For those wondering where they can find the tape, kindly message us personally.
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ANGEL, LUCY and THE BAHD GUY

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Last week we promised to get back to our old ways and we are here to deliver. Yesterday, the 7th of March 2017, 5 people and several more had SDC hearings that resulted in several outcomes ranging from reprimands to full on expulsion and we are here to relay the backdrop story behind the SDC rampage especially at this time when several false stories are being peddled.


We all heard of the alleged rape case that happened last year, and for the freshmen amidst us, yes, something of such happened in UI and for stallites who didn’t know of the happenings, we decided not to report it because we had insufficient details. Although that was not the primary reason for the 276 SDC cases, we had the Zik-Idia dinner debacle, the famous MOTE protest amongst many others but today, we shall focus on the alleged rape case in the Only Living Hall and run through one of the Zik-Idia dinner case. We shall try our utmost best to be serious about this as matters of such are not to be treated with levity. The rape case is a complicated one so we are going to personalise it so you can try and understand it better.

Imagine you had a girlfriend, got it? Now let’s call her Angel. Now Angel has a friend/roommate, Lucy, (short for Lucifer maybe). Now Lucy, being the pure evil genius that she is, causes a rift between you and Angel. Desperate you, hot-tempered and in the mood for some revenge decides to set Lucy up with your friend, Gabriel obviously without Lucy's consent. If she was at least getting some, she wouldn’t have time to intrude between you and Angel. Little did you know!

Gabriel and Lucy hit it off, and after going back and forth with Whatsapp Messages and some other outings (we are not sure how it went down), they decide to hook up, I mean literally hook up. PS: Gabriel is not a UI student. What better place for Gabriel and Lucy to have their pre-arranged meet than the room of the guy that introduced them? 

So they meet up in your room, and then when all is set and Lucy is stripped to her delicates. 

Oh you dirty dirty girl, Lucifer! Gabriel, out of his innocence and perhaps naiveté decides to call you to inform you that Lucy is ready for action and she’s in your room, and then he steps out to get prepared, if you know what I mean
Now remember how you had a personal vendetta against Lucy? And what better time to exert revenge than when Lucy is vulnerable? So you sneak in and take pictures of Lucy
for no particular reason except that you’re occasionally stupid and make irrational decisions. Lucy picks up her clothes after exchange of words, sprints out and runs to Abefele telling them that you and your friend, Gabriel wanted to rape her (or raped her). This were the events that led to the preliminary hearing of the case giving SDC a free Nollywood movie.  

The sentences were given yesterday and You were rusticated (not you, You…LOL), your girlfriend, Angel was rusticated for setting up her ‘friend’ Lucy for rape (how that was concluded beats us too) and your roommate who was in the room who claims he was watching a movie with ear plugs was also rusticated (sighs). And Lucy? Well, God made hell for some people but she’s still a Uite who left the hearing with smiles.

PS: There’s still the story of our boy aka The bahd guy (we are really back to old ways) who initially got rusticated for four semesters for his “supposed” participation in the Zik-Idia dinner crisis which happened last two sessions. He was told if he was remorseful and apologetic his rustication would be reduced to two semesters like most of the others that his behaviour hasn’t shown any remorse since the beginning of the hearing and he is expected to pack his things from Zik with immediate effect whichever way he decides to plead.


 When he was asked to speak he decided to intellectually contest this decision first addressing the VC, ‘Dear Mr VC you didn’t even give me a room in Zik, you have no proof that I was part of the guys that invaded Idia and for the extra semesters you’ve given me I’m going to sue you’. 


(A lot has been added to what he supposedly said as it passes one mouth to another so we are going to leave it like that)

Long story short he got expelled totally (rusticated), and now he threatens to sue the authorities. Lool. Don’t laugh too much yet, there’s more to this story than we’re letting off but this is a story for another day.
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HIYA! WE ARE BACK!!

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Hi there! It’s been a long semester break, and now that school is finally in session, we at UIStoriesThatTouch are back and we’re back with a bang!! For the freshmen amidst us, UIStoriesThatTouch is a platform set out to bring you the most touching stories within the UI community and to UITes far and wide, with a tinge of comedy and the occasional sarcasm of course. You could send your stories to our mail uistoriesthattouch@yahoo.com or the contact us on the blog.




This just concluded semester was a tough one for us at UIStoriesThatTouch particularly because we lost one of our own to the cold hands of death, my girlfriend left me because I didn’t buy her the economic recession that people were talking about and I tried leaving the country, but apparently you’re not allowed to sneak into airplanes through someone’s travelling bag.

Anyway, like we said this semester we’re back with a bang and here’s just an overview of what to expect; we’re dropping locations and dates and times for all the important fresher’s welcome for our thirsty ‘staleites’and paedophilic finalist, we’re exposing the cagey princesses in Queens Hall, the mummy’s boys in Mellanby, the proud Kuti boys, the snitching girls in Awo, the pretentious Idia girls, uncultured Zik boys, and the overeager Indy boys. Oh we didn’t forget Tedder, y’all are not just important, you’ll find out why in subsequent posts. For now, relax and take a trip down memory lane with our previous posts, and wait till next week Wednesday or who knows, there might be a surprise post on the girl that got her hand cut on St Anne’s road or the runs girl who got pregnant and is having a hard time figuring out who the father is. This semester is full of surprises from us at UISTT.

Till then, tell a friend to tell another about UIStoriesThatTouch, especially that fresher I met at Social Science that wanted to take a bike to CBN.
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TRIBUTE TO ONE OF OUR OWN

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A friend's death is never easy
Its pain demands to be felt
We may run to get away from it
We return panting, asking ourselves questions




Listen to a tribute from L.P Alani below. His question embodies the grief of Timi's friends:

SoundCloud:
http://bit.ly/2kwmQlN

Download:
https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B42xDxnpx3UTTGFVSXhPVzB0YXc

RIP TIMI! REAL NIGGAS DON'T DIE!
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