Welcome to UI Stories That Touch

OIL CRISIS

Hey guys,
We (UISTT) apologise for being MIA for a couple weeks we’ve been busy with school and you guys have not been sending your stories to our email too uistoriesthattouch@yahoo.com or to the contact us below. Anyways, how was your exam? Old things are passed away.

A common tradition as vacation comes close by is that everyone tries to finish the remaining foodstuff he/she has before going home either this or attend as many parties as you can in the short while that is left, today we’ll be addressing the former.

Opening my wardrobe, I looked at what I had left; a quarter custard container of rice, basically 6 cups of rice and half carton of indomie. I have to finish all this before I go home, I thought to myself and the laughed at how easy this will be with no roommates to share it with, they had all gone home.
I was out navigating the constringing roads of Agbowo by 6:30pm, ensuring I was not seen by fellowship members or ensnared by girls, as I was “home alone”, it’d be tempting to invite one over but the mission was to get tomatoes and pepper and I was bound to not be deterred. I got them eventually from a roadside vendor after collecting one random girl’s number, (sorry unhealthy habit).

I observed the normal rituals on getting back to my fortress, washing the pepper and then blending with The Weeknd’s Starboy blasting in the background. I was about to get to cooking in the kitchen (no roommates around so I converted one corner into a kitchen,) when I realised the groundnut oil I had was too small for the pepper I had blended.

I initiated the ultimate search for groundnut oil or palm oil, anyone would do at this time. Went to my neighbours room first and the first thing he did was laugh “The scarcest things right now are toothpaste and oil”, like I didn’t know this already.
Not letting that discourage me I went from one room to another knocking every door on my floor in search of oil but to no avail. So I go to the floor above me and repeat the same process and got the same result, though Iended up cockblocking one guy as I walked in to images that would scar me for a while especially because I knew the girl involved, I think it’s needless to speak of what I saw. This pepper cannot waste so I decided to go to the floor below me and the same process yielded the same result, no cockblocking here though just mainly hopeless boys gaming on their laptops and one heartbroken one that was singing along to Sam Smith.

Disappointed by this I decided to lay down and think, finally I got a brilliant idea; one of my roommates must definitely have oil in his wardrobe so I decided to break-in and search (not so honourable I know, but desperate times). Breaking in was easy but I didn’t want to scatter the place (that’s lesson 1 in stealing 101, if only our leaders adhere to this) so I decide to lock the wardrobe, I could not find any oil in plain sight.

Immediately after this, I got the best idea of the night; I had the anointing oil my mum gave me in 100l, the one she used to baptise me and protect me from bad friends and “witches” on my first day of school, (I’m in 400l now though). I opened the bottle of miracles and let it flow onto the pan and watched it convert pepper into a dope ass stew. After eating the rice and Indomie, I moved to return the bottle of anointing oil but then I saw EXP:231115. Please help me cry, I don’t know what to do. It’s only been two days though and nothing has happened as at yet.

BRAVADO

09:41:00 Leave a Comment

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to tell your parents? I would like us to pause and think of a reply to that, if you’ve gotten your answer then I would love for us to try and relive that 3hrs before you eventually tell them. How our mind splits into different personalities and each, figuring a way to break the news, at the same time each thinking of the repercussions of each outcome. How is this a UI Story That Touches?

All my life, I’ve been fighting a war I can’t talk to you or….
These words filled the room the same way Lorde sang them in Bravado but this time more stern and less melodious, it seemed liked a suitable soundtrack for the thoughts that were going through my friend’s mind. I’m not psychic but his thoughts were louder that the phone ringing. ‘You no go pick that call ni? Na your momsy dey call’ I asked him warily, these were the only words I could think of, I was never good with these type of situations. He looks at the phone, picks it from where it was charging and pauses, his thumb in mid-air, shying away from the answer button. I wasn’t really bothered about the sound of the song playing in the background, I was just curious to find out how the conversation was going to go

‘Mum good evening ma’ he finally decides to pick the call, only problem now was that I was going to be hearing a one sided conversation but who am I to complain? Half loaf they say…‘I was just about to call you now sef ma, I just heard convocation has been shifted from Wednesday to tomorrow’

‘Ahan! Ahan!! Tayo, and I’m just finding out?’ this must have been her reaction I guessed, don't fault me, I had to make it interesting for myself… ‘I was just calling to apologise again that I won’t be able to make it’ (still imagining the other end of the convo)

‘Mum I’ve told you not to bother coming, you not being able to make it is fine. The programme will be boring and stressful sef…sure, I will take lots of pictures and send…will see you this weekend ma….’
He cuts the call, looks at me and transfers the hardest question he had ever had to face to me ‘What do I tell her? I dey go house weekend’

Let me explain the situation above a little bit, Tayo, ‘my friend’ was advised to withdraw, the school authority's nicer way of saying 'comman be going' in 300l I was a fresher then and we were roommates. Presently, I’m in 300l and I’m squatting Tayo who was meant to have finished earlier this year. He has been trying to gain admission back into UI to study another course but has been lying to his mum that he has finished. He even had to tell his mum he got an extra semester to avoid questions on why he hasn’t gone on service. After first semester, lies of clearance and NYSC posting became the next set of lies. I know it has passed but plix, if you were in my shoes what would have been your answer because I kept quiet and kept playing my FIFA.

‘What do I tell her? I dey go house weekend’

THE ONE THING EVERYBODY DISLIKES

18:45:00 2 comments

GBA! GBA!! GBA!!!

The knocks were persistent and ruthless on my room door and it was a little past 8pm, who dared such???, I got off my bed stopping my roommate from opening door, he didn’t have half the amount of savagery I was about to unleash on the fucktard knocking the door like it’s his father’s property. Even I didn’t know what line I was going to say first, all I needed was a face before my tongues loosened themselves and unleashed the wrath of my present hunger.

THE MOST TOUCHING STORY WE'VE EVER TOLD

14:23:00 2 comments

The human life is driven and fueled by dreams, things we want to accomplish, even the laziest person in the world has a dream to be free all day. To accomplish these goals we need certain factors to favour us. And when they do not fall in place, our dreams remains dreams and everything we put in place to achieve that purpose falls apart like boobs eventually, scratch that.

THE COVER UP

13:39:00 4 comments

So we were meant to continue THE REVELATIONS OF A POPULAR BLOGGER series today, however, there is a more significant story that needs to be told and because of the gravity of this said story, REVELATIONS OF A POPULAR BLOGGER has been moved to next week.

REVELATIONS OF A POPULAR UI BLOGGER PART 1

13:58:00 6 comments

THE PROTAGONIST OF THIS STORY IS A VERY VERY POPULAR UI BLOGGER, AND WE HAD TO AGREE TO A FEW TERMS BEFORE POSTING IT.

1 HE SHALL BE REFERRED TO AS “EMISSARY”. VERY ODD NAME THOUGH, BUT HE HAD HIS REASONS
2 WE ARE NOT TO CENSOR HIS WORDS, WE ACTUALLY DID BUT WE RAN THE ORIGINAL WORDS IN ITALICS
3 AND SINCE WE GOT THE STORY THROUGH VOICE, I.E INTERVIEW, WE ARE TO WRITE IT IN SOPHISTICATED GRAMMAR. HE SPOKE IN PIDGIN DURING THE INTERVIEW

A FRIEND IN NEED....

20:55:00 6 comments

It is often said that bad guys will always get the girls and the good guys always lose out? Well, I’d reserve my thoughts till the end of my story.

THE PLIGHT OF AN AGBOWOITE: WHO’S LOOKING OUT FOR US?

17:08:00 8 comments

My name is Hari (short for Buhari); it’s now the trend to name things after a president we are losing faith in. You know how people complain that the last semester break was over before it started? LOLOL. For me, it was too long. Time dragged on so slowly, I started to wonder whether 60seconds was what now made a minute I mean, we are in the time of change and I possibly just didn’t get the memo. Let me tell you my story I’ll start from when I still had a phone, laptop, speakers and a girlfriend.

SMILE

18:10:00 1 comment

Hey there,

I stumbled on this blog last week and was taken aback by two things; firstly I was stunned by fact that the biggest problem in someone’s life is that a girl didn’t love him back, if only I could switch places. Secondly, someone or some people could still make out jokes from other people’s problems. So I decided to go to where it all began for these people. I went to the last page on the blog and read their first article The knife man here. For the 6 minutes I spent reading that article I actually forgot my problems, I felt what was happening to Lisa and I also laughed, a lot, I’m not a mean person but I couldn’t help it. I read more of their articles and thought, that’s how I want my story to be told and not as object of pity, or something that will end with ‘eya’ or ‘pele’. I want people to be able to crack a smile after hearing my story so to the writers of UISTT make sure you insert jokes while writing this, if you aren’t going to do that then don’t tell my story. So let’s stroll to my story

LOVE SUCKS!

20:42:00 3 comments

We get a lot of stories, (okay let me try my best not to lie in this article) just enough for the next week and we read it and try and understand from the writer’s perspective before we edit the article. While trying to edit this article we couldn’t get rid of the condescending tone so we decided to be mean *smiles*. We ran a commentary in italics and bracket along the article. Enjoy!

PINOCCHIO WITHOUT A NOSE

15:18:00 2 comments

I've always liked Pinocchio, maybe for the fact that he couldn't tell a lie without you knowing or perhaps it was the fantasy it portrayed that you could always detect liars. I'm not exempted, I'm a liar and I'm a 300 level student in the faculty of science (just for the record this isn’t one of my lies, I’m telling the truth) and this story of mine started off late 200 level. I was hesitant to tell the story, as it is still unfolding. But I was convinced by my friend who owns this blog that my story needs to be heard. He probably lied when he said he was doing it for my own good, but I've grown used to hearing lies that it's beginning to sound like the truth lately. Lies from the government about a change era, lies from your parents about no money, lies from your friends about not preparing well before exams and lies from your boyfriend.

Sugar Daddy for the Sugar Girl Part 2

12:28:00 8 comments

Hi I’m Ralia,

I am now in my final year. I have been handed my own unique 99 problems and 99000 things to do in just 24 hours, finalist writing his/ her final project would understand. Guess who is my project supervisor?

Sugar Daddy for the Sugar girl

16:40:00 21 comments

“You’re a promising young woman, I can tell”, he said. I smiled, “Thank you sir”. And my day was made. How could it not be? I was three weeks into my freshman year here in UI and my academic coordinator already saw promise in me. I have never been the best in any of my classes, not even in primary school. I won’t become one of those parents who lie to their children saying – when I was your age, I always came first in my classes. No, I am not one to delude or pretend.

The Bro Code

22:18:00 1 comment

In the grand pyramid of popularity, I’m a very popular person in this University, which is why I would not reveal my name. So my name in this case is Daniel, and this is a story of how not to become like Daniel, ergo, me. I’m a pretty cool guy, handsome, I get a ton of girls and I keep it real with my boys, I’m not gay or anything but I prioritize my boys over the girls in my life. Because no matter what, my boys got my back. Yoruba demon.

CTY

19:46:00 1 comment

If you are an ardent reader of this blog, you would recall that we once wrote about the “catch them young” phenomenon but while writing we might have inferred that it’s something done by only guys. We recently discovered that it’s also done by girls (now Deborah this isn’t about you and Seun, I will never do such a thing). Well, girls might have different reasons but what could those reasons be?

If wishes...

20:39:00 Leave a Comment

It’s that period of the semester again. The period where people run helter-skelter looking for past questions, the period we begin to hear funny stories of people almost losing their minds in the reading room, people falling sick due to less sleep and it’s also a good time for the nerds ( if you know what I mean). The truth of the matter is that this ‘period’ is a lifestyle to some people, this period is what some people live for and to those of us who live totally different lives, we don’t envy them, okay we probably envy their grades. A quick question before we go to today’s article, what happens when you become a victim of the crime you are trying to solve?

SPILLED MILK

16:03:00 8 comments

Hi, my name is Cynthia and I’m a 300 level student in the Faculty of Arts but no, I’m not going to mention my department for obvious reasons. I have a question for you guys- Don’t you ever get tired of the endless “no’s” from, we, girls? How are you so relentless?

This story of mine happened pre-mote, in simpler words, before the strike. This guy, let’s call him Lanre, has been on my case since late 200 level. He was fairly attractive, funny, dressed nicely and had money to blow but I already told him NO. To be honest, I don’t know why I said no to him but I guess he was just one of those people you don’t take a liking to, but he had money to blow. He spent a lot of money on me however, I remember the endless night at Jay’s in Indy, our several movie nights at Ventura, and I won’t lie, we made out a couple times along Tech Road but nothing more than that. He was a really caring guy and didn’t push further. Even when I got drunk after my boyfriend broke up with me (Yes, I had a boyfriend while I was going out with Lanre), and went to his apartment, all he did was let me sleep in his bed while he slept on the rug. He really was a sweet guy but still I said no to him and he really was persistent but I kept on saying no.

After the pro-MOTE era recess, hence after the 8-week long, I stumble into Lanre on my way from class, and guess what? He was with a girl. If he was with an ordinary girl, it would have been great but this girl was amazingly beautiful, I mean like Kim Kardashian beautiful, I know I am exaggerating but that is how it seemed. And she spoke and dressed elegantly plus the makeup was on fleek. I had seen her around the faculty a couple times but I never really spoke to her, her name was Faith or something.

I don’t know what about seeing him with that girl lightened up an attraction towards him. At first I thought it was because I was single but no, I wasn’t lonely, if you get what I mean. I was eager to find out if there was something more to it or he has ended up in another friend zone. I know this is weird but I started going to places I knew he would be. The first time we met after seeing him with the girl I made it seem like I was late for a class but told him it’s was nice seeing him and I missed him.

We started chatting all over again and I made sure we became a little close like we used to be, then I started teasing him about the girl I had seen him with. Yeah! Life’s a bitch, they were together and I couldn’t stop thinking of him since I found that out.
One day I showed up at his place crying (he stays at Amina way), on seeing the tears he ushered me into his room quickly and asked me what was wrong. I narrated a made-up story of my parents wanting to get a divorce and he comforted me, Lawd! That felt so good. Well, this wasn’t planned and I was thinking on my feet. I saw the perfect opportunity and I kissed him nothing long but the long stare into each other’s eyes showed that was enough. We made-out like old times but he didn’t want to go any further. I pleaded to stay the night and suggested we just cuddle.

I don’t know what came over me in the night but I was up and surprisingly there was light. Thoughts kept going through my mind and I couldn’t but get rid of the temptation the only way it could be gotten rid of, I yielded. So, I picked up his phone took a picture and sent it to his girlfriend. I don’t know why I did that but whatsApp can’t retract. The deed was done.

The conundrum here now is that Lanre is pissed and I’ve been calling his phone to apologise, he barely picks up and even when he does, he says he’s busy. I don’t know what happened between him and his girlfriend but he has blocked me on every social media. I really didn’t want to put this online but my friends are foolish, they said I shouldn’t beg Lanre but I’m not sure if I want to trust their advice as they were the ones that initially told me to turn down his advances in the first place. And in my own twisted way I’m still infatuated with him. People of UISTT, help me please, what do I do?

GIVEAWAY! GIVEAWAY!! GIVEAWAY!!!

16:00:00 5 comments

Three months ago we started a journey, not sure where and how far we were going but most of you went along with us from ‘'The Knife Man’ to ‘Questions Left Unanswered’. Before we commend your loyalty we apologise for going astray from what the blog was originally meant for and tell you we are back on track with today’s article 'Spilled milk' here. That being said, we appreciate all our viewers, visitors, fans and Nimi and his marriage (for a record breaking post) for making us come this far (although you find it hard to comment). We also urged Nifemi to follow suit because we believe he is a Nimi who is more love inclined.

Now to the giveaway, we wanted to give out cash but we realised that only 3 or 5 lucky people were going to be winners of today’s giveaway. Being our first giveaway we decided to reached more people so today’s giveaway is credit. The instructions are very simple and pretty straight forward we have 60 digits below 15 for each network, mtn, glo, airtel and Etisalat. The networks are arranged in that order too, let me break it down better. The 1st network is mtn, the 2^nd is glo, the 3^rd is airtel, the 4^th is Etisalat and the cycle repeats itself all over again making the 5^th mtn. Pretty straight forward aye?

Now 4 lucky set of people will get airtime worth different values from the rest. What am I trying to say? There’s one 1500 mtn (lucky set of people), 1000 glo, 1000 airtel, 1000 etisalat shuffled in the digits below which is different from the worth of the rest of the airtime.

We just have 2 requests; please, biko, ejo, d'allah comment if you get the credit to prove to people that this is real and visit today’s article. The next giveaway will have more value and will be solely on luck. From Uistt we say a very big thank you.

1. 8972-7689-1987-6806 2. 53097-29153-30722 3. 2563-0139-0157-9638 4. 40491-57966-04735

5. 8972-5113-6784-1934 6. 53097-29284-83025 7. 2748-1579-2359-4463 8. 95744-03349-50695

9. 3940-0575-3153-9523 10. 53097-36514-61258 11. 2570-4883-5416-6006 12. 63215-15987-32667

13. 1971-1352-5645-9053 14. 53097-29887-31319 15. 2410-7990-5913-5506 16. 17663-30189-70659

17. 0168-7146-7087-6984 18. 89123-55698-15679 19. 2063-1536-7419-3695 20. 73229-36079-10404

21. 1558-2136-5461-9941 22. 53097-29844-21109 23. 2502-5570-8631-5873 24. 63218-69872-22368

25. 0086-6931-6022-4848 26. 53097-27642-92479 27. 2203-5415-5361-9809 28. 51108-80936-55626

29. 3349-5644-0089-5621 30. 53097-26398-95779 31. 1425-6953-4578-5547 32. 25891-03690-69047

33. 4970-2188-2949-3133 34. 53097-26512-27036 35. 2210-4441-2378-2991 36. 73027-76335-02751

37. 5594-4962-0216-9877 38. 53097-00316-89472 39. 2394-7949-7877-9136 40. 76258-12227-25584

41. 3912-3654-1598-3640 42. 53097-24312-44778 43. 2890-0036-2530-9417 44. 40198-84885-78636

45. 7300-8869-8439-9550 46. 53097-27556-24590 47. 2392-7087-6284-7027 48. 51108-41267-28803

49. 8965-7714-5517-3558 50. 53097-26462-86478 51. 2828-9992-4538-5550 52. 51007-33420-04688

53. 1604-8405-1002-0536 54. 53097-25750-69772 55. 2413-0305-5529-6292 56. 51401-07068-12794

57. 5648-0063-1015-5690 58. 53097-56987-55601 59. 5980-2670-1149-6398 60. 20361-56987-23600

QUESTIONS LEFT UNANSWERED

17:06:00 2 comments

Compliments of the season!!!
Seems like the appropriate greeting after 8 weeks of resolute protests, keyboard activism, facebook lamentations, and agitation during which we even took over Twitter Nigeria with #OlayinkaMustGo, he hasn't gone anywhere and has even ordered us to come to him, to school. The inevitable question here is: what has our protest, doggedness and our unionism achieved? Have our requests pre-strike been attended to and duly granted? Let's examine one by one.

MUST OLAYINKA GO???

16:07:00 4 comments

What happens when you grow up going to a farm instead of watching cartoon network? Easy! You never get to learn from Spiderman - with great power comes great responsibility. Two weeks ago we wrote on ‘Consequences of War here’ and described ‘the war’ we are fighting as ‘Justice Vs Veto-power’. Of recent we’ve tried to make our articles interactive but una no gree comment, stop reading this. Stop reading!! Rebellious, abi? If you know you are not going to comment, oya close this article. This is not something like a joking stuvvs. Lol! But really, endeavour to comment, the question for today is where is the line? The line between competence and intentional ignorance, veto-power and dictatorship? In Falz’s voice, is this a military regime?

THAT WHORE-RIBLE STORY

16:13:00 24 comments

We have all wanted to be popular at some point in our lives, usually for good reason. We wanted to be known for something good, something positive that we could hold our heads high for. However, some aspire to, or maybe settle for, popularity for the wrong reasons, hence the existence of the word -infamous. You may ask: Where do we draw the line for moral standards that may be trumped for popularity? Should we not choose to be popular of our own accord and not shooed into the position? What moral axiom separates being famous from being infamous? You may even cite particular cases: Is Kim Kardasian famous or infamous? 2Face? Flavor? Remember they both have large following around the world for their really good music, although their sexual promiscuity is known also, are they famous or infamous, perhaps both?

CONSEQUENCES OF WAR: A Satire Written on the 15th Day.

04:34:00 Leave a Comment

The most inevitable thing about a war is collateral damage, there’s always someone or something innocent that suffers for a crime they are innocent of. For the past 15 days UI has been at war, Justice against Veto Power. Now the question we will all be asking is, what’s the collateral damage in this instance? The answer to that question all depends on what I call, Perspective; one’s point of view. If you’re a very studious student who has been ready for the exams 3 weeks ago, then the break is your collateral damage. If you’re a prodigal son (or daughter) and school is what you call home, then the conditions of staying in a Hall where there’s no light of water is your collateral damage. Today’s tori is about the consequences of war we’re currently fighting.

LOVE OR DUTY?

09:49:00 5 comments

I wonder if we eventually get to tick those boxes, the boxes on the checklists we make before going to college— university. What is one thing common to all these checklists? Money? Good Grades? Adventure? Political acumen? Love? Nothing is out of the ordinary on the lists, and only very few of us get to tick all our boxes. So, you wouldn’t put it past a Mr UI, the most handsome guy in the premier university, to tick all his boxes, will you? Become the most sought after guy in UI —Check. Find the love of your life—Check. Marry her when you’re ready —Don’t check this just yet.

Pimp-Pong

12:29:00 2 comments

Science tells us we can control all our actions; they say sometimes even reflexes if we try hard enough. Can we really control all? Can we control falling in love, true love? Don’t ask me, I don’t believe there’s such a thing as ‘true love’. But back to the main question, can we? Can we choose who to fall in love with or are we just led by our lust and conditioned specifications? If your answer is yes, then you could have true love with anyone of your choice. And if no, then is love a reflex? Could it be reflex of seeing that boy with a good physique, or a girl with a nice ass? Is that love? Here’s a story of - let’s say - Ekaette.

Mr. Nice Guy

17:06:00 Leave a Comment

"We all are familiar with the August Rush, In UI’s case, it was the February Rush. This is the moment it finally dawns on us, we that were freshmen in the previous session, that we had become “Stalites”. No one had the right to call us “bloody freshers” anymore. We that were once baptised now had the right to “baptise”. We now had the right to call others “bloody freshers”. We that once took cabs from Queens to Kuti will now laugh at the new freshmen and call them stupid when they lament on their naiveté and recount their own cab stories. We that were once lost in the big extensive walls of this University will now intentionally direct people to Tech when then ask for directions to CBN.

MOSES

14:32:00 2 comments

Once upon a time, in a hall where the ‘dead’ were forbidden and only the ‘living’ lived, a darkness, as of death, overshadowed the whole hall. The neighbouring halls and the distant hostels of omo-get-inside land knew not the sufferings of the living and existed in happy oblivion. The living wailed to the president, not Buhari but who won the election Buhari-style, yet 3 weeks on darkness still eclipsed the hall of the living. And just like the Israelites, the living learned to live with their pain, the burden of carrying about extension boxes, phone chargers, laptop chargers, power banks in silent hopes of an unused socket in other lands where light came not only from the scorching sun. Who to save these people from darkness? The president’s efforts came to nought and his people wailed still. The excos, knights of the JCR? The unconcerned porters? Neither. A Moses had to be found. Yes, a Moses.

RIP AJAYI IYANUOLUWA MARVELOUS

10:51:00 Leave a Comment

Life, the most valuable and over looked gift we have as humans. From our first breath to our last we try to find a purpose. In Nigeria, education seems like the path to finding our purpose to our parents. Well to my dad, education is the only path. My colleagues and I had mixed feelings in releasing this article, Uistoriesthattouch (Uistt) is a weekly blog (and the Knife man was the post of this week) the nature of this post isn’t something to be laughed about (this is not something like a joking stuvv). But we realized that from our first post we made a promise to bring “real life occurrences that happened to UI students”. Not to offend the gods, this is an emergency post as we lay our tribute.

THE KNIFE MAN

11:32:00 1 comment

Call it UI, UniIbadan, University of Ibadan, The University of Ibadan, whatever. Recent events have shown that even the most prestigious of us can bite off more than we can chew. This session more students were admitted than usually. Consequences? We are now a practical experiment of the Darwin’s law – Survival of the fittest. First the fight for available lecturers to hand out recommendation letter, then the fight for accommodation spots, then the BQ hustle, then the resigned i-don’t-wanna-be-homeless hustle for Agbowo accommodation, and finally the not-so-noble fight for squatting spots. But, I digress. Forgive me. Today’s tori is about The Knife man.