The Tales of Our Ibadan Kim Kardashian

We all admit that sex is a major factor in relationships these days, I mean if we’re being honest it really is a major factor between relationships that concern people of separate genders. And the prevalent question here is: How much of sex is enough? How much about sex did your parents teach you? What really is the going rate for sex these days? Is sex, overrated? If you say yes, we may revert to the statement if whether or not you’re doing it right.

Today’s story is about a sexcapade that is now all too famous and in case you haven’t heard or you are not “woke” enough, it’s about Opeyemi’s Sex tape. It’s safe to assume we all have sex or at least a vast of us are sexually active, or why else do you think there is an “Abstain from Sex” billboard in front of Idia. Now that that has been established, does the public really need to know about your sexual adventures?

Or is that Kim Kardashian has sort of become a role model to these girls, that they believe if they follow exactly in her shoes, they would be as famous? Or are they forgetting that the basis of Kim’s popularity was an attractive face and body?

Anyway, before we move to further analyze the details of the sextape, here’s a little backdrop story (this is purely out of our own imagination by the way). Ope met a boy, who was decently attractive, had his own place outside school, they agreed to meet up and have sex. And after several trysts, Ope consented to allowing the boy film their sex, and if you are beginning to ponder why she would agree to such a thing, it’s the same reason why people snap nude pictures, people love to watch themselves, people adore themselves.

Anyway, in the heat of the moment, while the guy’s rock hard member is plummeting through Ope’s vagina rapidly in a postion often associated to a dog, she agrees to show her face while letting her moans rent the air and then shortly after, the poorly recorded sextape ends.

There are so many questions befalling me and I hope you answer a few: Did she think this will make her popular? Or do girls just generally like sextapes? Did she forget that the SDC bells are chiming ever so loudly now? Or did she just want to make the next UI Critics top 10 casted hoes in UI?

What really is the going price for sex these days? One pack of Jay’s chicken and chips? And for the guys, would you look forward to having sex with Ope now that her tape is out?

For those wondering where they can find the tape, kindly message us personally.

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ANGEL, LUCY and THE BAHD GUY

Last week we promised to get back to our old ways and we are here to deliver. Yesterday, the 7^th of March 2017, 5 people and several more had SDC hearings that resulted in several outcomes ranging from reprimands to full on expulsion and we are here to relay the backdrop story behind the SDC rampage especially at this time when several false stories are being peddled.

We all heard of the alleged rape case that happened last year, and for the freshmen amidst us, yes, something of such happened in UI and for stallites who didn’t know of the happenings, we decided not to report it because we had insufficient details. Although that was not the primary reason for the 276 SDC cases, we had the Zik-Idia dinner debacle, the famous MOTE protest amongst many others but today, we shall focus on the alleged rape case in the Only Living Hall and run through one of the Zik-Idia dinner case. We shall try our utmost best to be serious about this as matters of such are not to be treated with levity. The rape case is a complicated one so we are going to personalise it so you can try and understand it better.

Imagine you had a girlfriend, got it? Now let’s call her Angel. Now Angel has a friend/roommate, Lucy, (short for Lucifer maybe). Now Lucy, being the pure evil genius that she is, causes a rift between you and Angel. Desperate you, hot-tempered and in the mood for some revenge decides to set Lucy up with your friend, Gabriel obviously without Lucy's consent. If she was at least getting some, she wouldn’t have time to intrude between you and Angel. Little did you know!

Gabriel and Lucy hit it off, and after going back and forth with Whatsapp Messages and some other outings (we are not sure how it went down), they decide to hook up, I mean literally hook up. PS: Gabriel is not a UI student. What better place for Gabriel and Lucy to have their pre-arranged meet than the room of the guy that introduced them? 

So they meet up in your room, and then when all is set and Lucy is stripped to her delicates. 

Oh you dirty dirty girl, Lucifer! Gabriel, out of his innocence and perhaps naiveté decides to call you to inform you that Lucy is ready for action and she’s in your room, and then he steps out to get prepared, if you know what I mean

Now remember how you had a personal vendetta against Lucy? And what better time to exert revenge than when Lucy is vulnerable? So you sneak in and take pictures of Lucy

for no particular reason except that you’re occasionally stupid and make irrational decisions. Lucy picks up her clothes after exchange of words, sprints out and runs to Abefele telling them that you and your friend, Gabriel wanted to rape her (or raped her). This were the events that led to the preliminary hearing of the case giving SDC a free Nollywood movie.  

The sentences were given yesterday and You were rusticated (not you, You…LOL), your girlfriend, Angel was rusticated for setting up her ‘friend’ Lucy for rape (how that was concluded beats us too) and your roommate who was in the room who claims he was watching a movie with ear plugs was also rusticated (sighs). And Lucy? Well, God made hell for some people but she’s still a Uite who left the hearing with smiles.

PS: There’s still the story of our boy aka The bahd guy (we are really back to old ways) who initially got rusticated for four semesters for his “supposed” participation in the Zik-Idia dinner crisis which happened last two sessions. He was told if he was remorseful and apologetic his rustication would be reduced to two semesters like most of the others that his behaviour hasn’t shown any remorse since the beginning of the hearing and he is expected to pack his things from Zik with immediate effect whichever way he decides to plead.

 When he was asked to speak he decided to intellectually contest this decision first addressing the VC, ‘Dear Mr VC you didn’t even give me a room in Zik, you have no proof that I was part of the guys that invaded Idia and for the extra semesters you’ve given me I’m going to sue you’. 

(A lot has been added to what he supposedly said as it passes one mouth to another so we are going to leave it like that). 

Long story short he got expelled totally (rusticated), and now he threatens to sue the authorities. Lool. Don’t laugh too much yet, there’s more to this story than we’re letting off but this is a story for another day.

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HIYA! WE ARE BACK!!

Hi there! It’s been a long semester break, and now that school is finally in session, we at UIStoriesThatTouch are back and we’re back with a bang!! For the freshmen amidst us, UIStoriesThatTouch is a platform set out to bring you the most touching stories within the UI community and to UITes far and wide, with a tinge of comedy and the occasional sarcasm of course. You could send your stories to our mail uistoriesthattouch@yahoo.com or the contact us on the blog.

This just concluded semester was a tough one for us at UIStoriesThatTouch particularly because we lost one of our own to the cold hands of death, my girlfriend left me because I didn’t buy her the economic recession that people were talking about and I tried leaving the country, but apparently you’re not allowed to sneak into airplanes through someone’s travelling bag.

Anyway, like we said this semester we’re back with a bang and here’s just an overview of what to expect; we’re dropping locations and dates and times for all the important fresher’s welcome for our thirsty ‘staleites’and paedophilic finalist, we’re exposing the cagey princesses in Queens Hall, the mummy’s boys in Mellanby, the proud Kuti boys, the snitching girls in Awo, the pretentious Idia girls, uncultured Zik boys, and the overeager Indy boys. Oh we didn’t forget Tedder, y’all are not just important, you’ll find out why in subsequent posts. For now, relax and take a trip down memory lane with our previous posts, and wait till next week Wednesday or who knows, there might be a surprise post on the girl that got her hand cut on St Anne’s road or the runs girl who got pregnant and is having a hard time figuring out who the father is. This semester is full of surprises from us at UISTT.

Till then, tell a friend to tell another about UIStoriesThatTouch, especially that fresher I met at Social Science that wanted to take a bike to CBN.

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TRIBUTE TO ONE OF OUR OWN

A friend's death is never easy

Its pain demands to be felt

We may run to get away from it

We return panting, asking ourselves questions

Listen to a tribute from L.P Alani below. His question embodies the grief of Timi's friends:

SoundCloud:
http://bit.ly/2kwmQlN

Download:
https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B42xDxnpx3UTTGFVSXhPVzB0YXc

RIP TIMI! REAL NIGGAS DON'T DIE!

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OIL CRISIS

Hey guys, 
We (UISTT) apologise for being MIA for a couple weeks we’ve been busy with school and you guys have not been sending your stories to our email too uistoriesthattouch@yahoo.com or to the contact us below. Anyways, how was your exam? Old things are passed away.


A common tradition as vacation comes close by is that everyone tries to finish the remaining foodstuff he/she has before going home either this or attend as many parties as you can in the short while that is left, today we’ll be addressing the former.

Opening my wardrobe, I looked at what I had left; a quarter custard container of rice, basically 6 cups of rice and half carton of indomie. I have to finish all this before I go home, I thought to myself and the laughed at how easy this will be with no roommates to share it with, they had all gone home.
I was out navigating the constringing roads of Agbowo by 6:30pm, ensuring I was not seen by fellowship members or ensnared by girls, as I was “home alone”, it’d be tempting to invite one over but the mission was to get tomatoes and pepper and I was bound to not be  deterred. I got them eventually from a roadside vendor after collecting one random girl’s number, (sorry unhealthy habit).

I observed the normal rituals on getting back to my fortress, washing the pepper and then blending with The Weeknd’s Starboy blasting in the background. I was about to get to cooking in the kitchen (no roommates around so I converted one corner into a kitchen,) when I realised the groundnut oil I had was too small for the pepper I had blended.

I initiated the ultimate search for groundnut oil or palm oil, anyone would do at this time. Went to my neighbours room first and the first thing he did was laugh “The scarcest things right now are toothpaste and oil”, like I didn’t know this already.
Not letting that discourage me I went from one room to another knocking every door on my floor in search of oil but to no avail. So I go to the floor above me and repeat the same process and got the same result, though Iended up cockblocking one guy as I walked in to images that would scar me for a while especially because I knew the girl involved, I think it’s needless to speak of what I saw. This pepper cannot waste so I decided to go to the floor below me and the same process yielded the same result, no cockblocking here though just mainly hopeless boys gaming on their laptops and one heartbroken one that was singing along to Sam Smith.

Disappointed by this I decided to lay down and think, finally I got a brilliant idea; one of my roommates must definitely have oil in his wardrobe so I decided to break-in and search (not so honourable I know, but desperate times). Breaking in was easy but I didn’t want to scatter the place (that’s lesson 1 in stealing 101, if only our leaders adhere to this) so I decide to lock the wardrobe, I could not find any oil in plain sight.

 Immediately after this, I got the best idea of the night; I had the anointing oil my mum gave me in 100l, the one she used to baptise me and protect me from bad friends and “witches” on my first day of school, (I’m in 400l now though). I opened the bottle of miracles and let it flow onto the pan and watched it convert pepper into a dope ass stew. After eating the rice and Indomie, I moved to return the bottle of anointing oil but then I saw EXP:231115.  Please help me cry, I don’t know what to do. It’s only been two days though and nothing has happened as at yet.

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BRAVADO

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to tell your parents? I would like us to pause and think of a reply to that, if you’ve gotten your answer then I would love for us to try and relive that 3hrs before you eventually tell them. How our mind splits into different personalities and each,  figuring a way to break the news, at the same time each thinking of the repercussions of each outcome. How is this a UI Story That Touches?

All my life, I’ve been fighting a war I can’t talk to you or….
These words filled the room the same way Lorde sang them in Bravado but this time more stern and less melodious, it seemed liked a suitable soundtrack for the thoughts that were going through my friend’s mind. I’m not psychic but his thoughts were louder that the phone ringing. ‘You no go pick that call ni? Na your momsy dey call’ I asked him warily, these were the only words I could think of, I was never good with these type of situations. He looks at the phone, picks it from where it was charging and pauses, his thumb in mid-air, shying away from the answer button. I wasn’t really bothered about the sound of the song playing in the background, I was just curious to find out how the conversation was going to go

‘Mum good evening ma’ he finally decides to pick the call, only problem now was that I was going to be hearing a one sided conversation but who am I to complain? Half loaf they say…‘I was just about to call you now sef ma, I just heard convocation has been shifted from Wednesday to tomorrow’

‘Ahan! Ahan!! Tayo, and I’m just finding out?’ this must have been her reaction I guessed, don't fault me, I had to make it interesting for myself… ‘I was just calling to apologise again that I won’t be able to make it’ (still imagining the other end of the convo)

‘Mum I’ve told you not to bother coming, you not being able to make it is fine. The programme will be boring and stressful sef…sure, I will take lots of pictures and send…will see you this weekend ma….’
He cuts the call, looks at me and transfers the hardest question he had ever had to face to me ‘What do I tell her? I dey go house weekend’

Let me explain the situation above a little bit, Tayo, ‘my friend’ was advised to withdraw, the school authority's nicer way of saying 'comman be going' in 300l I was a fresher then and we were roommates. Presently, I’m in 300l and I’m squatting Tayo who was meant to have finished earlier this year. He has been trying to gain admission back into UI to study another course but has been lying to his mum that he has finished. He even had to tell his mum he got an extra semester to avoid questions on why he hasn’t gone on service. After first semester, lies of clearance and NYSC posting became the next set of lies. I know it has passed but plix, if you were in my shoes what would have been your answer because I kept quiet and kept playing my FIFA.

‘What do I tell her? I dey go house weekend’

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